It's been a while

How long has it been? Since I decided to enter a post. In most ways I have been living life so well I don't need to write on a blog. I love the way my life is now. Though I wish I had 32 hours in a day. I can't split myself into enough pieces to be with people that I want them to know I care about them. I want to let them know I care for them too but it is so hard... I need to prioritize .

I have come a long way to be this fulfilled with my life. I don't regret a day not dying then. My ghost would have hated my decision very much.

I'm a food addict

I love food, I think I live to eat. Check out my food blog!
Foodylovey.blogspot.com

Irritated beyond

I have issues, I'll admit it. I hate my dad, since the day I got him back I hated him. Still do and I don't want him. Doesn't help, my mom is forcing me onto him. Bond or connecting with people is fine with me, but with the father that abandoned me, no thanks. I'll rather not have to. And she forces me, I hate being forced. I want out of it. I want gone. I hate him and I want him out of my life. Fuck this shit, fuck that stupid woman who thinks she can force me.

Feet plus mouth

I swear I put my mouth where my feet goes... I never think thoroughly what I should do and end up blurting nonsensical shit. I just have issues with thinking don't I? I can't take words back, I know that already and yet I do the silly things everyday. I should get the blabbermouth award of the year, is there such a category  I think I might win something in my life for once!

A long walk to remember

We, the graduating pupils of GYSS 2013 did a 12.9 KM walk from Bishan to Marina Barage. It was one of the more not so fond school activities I have done. I like walking but I don't like doing it with a group of people I don't really seem to like and I hate the pushing that come with it. The smart mouths that are present in every class that exists but the ones in my class seem to have thing for my unexplainable absence from school. Their criticism is irritating the shit out of me and I wish they would disappear from my life.

Day 1: things that make me happy

1) magical moments, eg. Like when the bubbles were released into the air during the end of the chingay parade.
2) fireworks, I look forward to any chance for me to see fireworks. I love looking at them explode into the sky in brilliant colors and that is magical. Wonderful.

Things I don't like and really like

I hate my crooked teeth, I don't care if it is cute in some countries. I live in Singapore and it looks horrible.
I hate my giant front pillows, I know there are tons of people that want them but they are BURDENS I tell you.
I hate my bad skin that comes with my periods, what a pain in the ars. Periods come once a month but the signs show 2 weeks before it comes and you have bad skin for 3 weeks of a month.
I hate my weight... I mean I can lose weight but I'm not determined enough.
I hate that I have no determination and perseverance.
I hate the fact that I'm bad at academics and everything that matters in the world.
I hate that I used to get tongue tied around boys because I came from a girl's school and I came off as crude.
I hate the fact that I can't get a guy to like me.
I hate the part of me that repels people.

I love my hair, no matter what I do to it I just shampoo and its shiny silky again.
I love that I can converse quite fluently.
I love that I have work experience.
I love that people think I am mature.
I love that I can write.
I love that I am a suitable candidate as a mom.
I love that I can talk to strangers and hold conversations with them okay.
I love that people are comfortable to ask me for advice.
I love that people think I'm wise enough to advice them.
I love that no one can see the side of me I don't want them to see.
I love that I act well and cover things up easily.
I love that I'm a natural liar.

before I die list

Things I want to do before I die, must do
1. Go to London
2. Go to Japan
3. Go to Korea
4. Skydiving
5. Bungee Jumping
6. Trace my family tree
7. Be a bridesmaid
8. Go to Prom
9. Learn to surf
10. Go Snorkeling
11. Spend without thinking
12. Buffet without worrying
13. Road trip
14. Go on a holiday alone
15. Live alone for 1 month

The tighter I hold

I think it's at a point where I know it, but the people around me do not, I am apparently extremely sensitive. When I learn to love something, and want to grab hold of it not wanting to lose it something always happens and it slips away. The traumatizing fear of people, things leaving me has left me with unknowingly pushing others away afraid if I learn to like them, I would never want to leave them and if they eventually do I will be hurt by it again. I am just, sensitive.

I left the CMC,I have to hand in a resignation letter by tmr,I'm so afraid even though I'm supposed to be relieved,idk wads wrong with me,I guess its the fear of being NOT needed. I have that particular fear instilled in me.

It's my birthday. I'm 15. Yet, I feel 12. I've been grounded, I can't go out my Mom banned me. I can only stay within the boundaries of Toa Payoh and whats there here to do? She's getting back at me for last time, she's definitely being revengeful. How grown up! At 12 midnight yesterday I sat by myself and got cake and sang a silent Happy Birthday song to myself, I don't need others to celebrate with me or for me, I can do it myself.

2012

I would say this year has ushered one thing indeed, CHANGE. i like it. I love that I'm embarking on a new journey. Changes always bring up mixed emotions for different people. Fear, sorrow, anger, anguish and of course excitement. It's always difficult to face life with a positive mindset, and the change brought onto us aren't always by choice but I can say, the attitude we bring with us onto our new journeys will affect the way we travel on out journeys. In the end we all want success, only with effort, and a positive thinking only than. The first step is always crucial, better to have a sane mind to take on a decision making that may affect your course in life. So there, my lecture on positive thinking.
  It's never easy, even I'm pretty CooCoo with it, but its something very worth investing effort into.

Meeting Again.

Ma sister is going to find my dad in China, Its all great but I'm slightly unsure about this. if he had wanted to be in contact with us, that'd happen long ago. The day he stopped sending funds, the day I pronounced him dead in my life, in my heart. I do not wish to be entangled once more in this family drama of ours. Messy as ever.

Heads Up.

I realised on Friday, when I had seen Mr fathul, my vp walk pass my work place. Did I want to spend the rest of life being ashamed of my job, my status. If not, What is there I can do prevent all of the feared from coming true. It was a wake up call, an alarming one. One of my first tasks is to get my priorities right, work, school, which is absolute more important. I want to go to the school board to appeal for a transfer of classes. I want to do something instead of art, something I can study and excel in. I don't have any choice, I want to score.

My stomach won't settle down, it won't stop turning in circles and churning away. I feel nervous, but from what I do not know.Anchor, I'm the anchor in this family, the not so anchoring anchor. In between the dreamer sister and the failure-ish brother, I feel I have to stay grounded. I want nothing of this sort, but it's like my job at MAc, forced upon me and I have to take it. Gah... I don't even know what I wanted to say anymore... bu bye

Future?

Let's face it.
I'm not exactly pretty.
Not smart.
Not popular.
Not charming.
Not efficient.

What am I going to do with my life? I'm never good at anything! There's nothing I'm good at, this just makes my future even more bleak. I wan't to know that I'll be able to make through my education and have a comfortable life. i don't want to become like my mother. I want to be independent. I just want to know in the end, I'll be fine. At night, I fear. I fear that like my mother, grandmother and great grandmother I'll be second. I'm already seconded, I want to for the first time in my life be someone else's first. I pray, I wish and I hope.

Bestie?

I know Angie and I won't last. I might be labelled mean for saying this. But, I know the truth. When we're together, I'm the listener, she's the talker. I'm not complaining, and I do prefer to listen. but, sometimes I want someone to listen to me. It's always about Angie when we're together, if I want to share she'll cut me off 'I'm not done yet.' and I'll hold on to my thoughts, but there'll never be a chance for me to express me. I'll forget, and most times I'll never tell her. So, at the end of the day I get away from her feeling exhausted. Just tired, for being someone else's listener. I think that's even why we are friends. I listen, I let her take center stage. I never mind being the one in the shadow, I can share her, I never mind. That's maybe why. In the end, I know I'll be too tired and we'll fade off. I don't mind, I'm tired.

Courage

If I wanted your attention, I would say so
if only I had courage, to ask for your hand
to be the one holdin' your hand, but I don't.
So I'll build it up, and let it grow.
Til one day, it's big and strong.
To be with your courageous heart.

Pride

Am I egoistic? I don't know, but I believe the reason to why anyone turns out the way they do is because of what has happened. I don't believe in suddenly's, I know only what happened and what had not happen that makes someone what they are. A lot of things happen in my life, I won't lie what i was forced to may not be as much as many others have gone through. Everyone has something they have to go through, some later in life and me? My fight began the moment I was born, I can't blame anyone but sigh... its life. And I'm fighting it, fighting hard. Maybe that's why when K, asked me why I was egoistic I broke really hard. All my life, even if it has only been fourteen years and isn't much I have been pushing with all my might. I had to be stronger, for a lot of people. I never ever thought for a moment, that by evolving my skin to be like an amour was making me egoistic. For my mother, single mother I tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I already planned when I was 12 once i could get a job I was going to help her. If it wasn't for my bum Dad she would had have a very happy life. For my dreamy sister, I believe my sister was born with every talent in her, she's beautiful and I'm not exaggerating but I know one day her talents will go far. I want to be able to support her. Being born in a situation like hers I don't want her to never have a chance just because there wasn't money for her to. She cried once, I don't want her to ever have to again. For my brother, the youngest though I always say he is very pampered I love him very much. He never knew our bum father, I want him to be as good as all those sons out here that have one. I must. For my friends, I may not be their number one friend to be with because of all the other people I have to be strong for, but I want them to always never hesitate to come to me for a shoulder. I know many of them need someone to be there for them. I just hope I will be good enough. In the end, I have no excuse to why I am egoistic, but that life's reasoning has made me like that.

K, if you are reading this. I don't want you to be because my blog is embarrassingly personal, but if you are. What you said today, to have had been able to make me cry you are one of those few that have been able to. Although in the end I didn't really feel better because I had a lot still on my chest. And, after I left I threw up outside when i tried to get some fresh air but in the long run I know I'll thank you for those words I hate so much right now.
Til then, watch me grow.

blood boiling