Future?

Let's face it.
I'm not exactly pretty.
Not smart.
Not popular.
Not charming.
Not efficient.

What am I going to do with my life? I'm never good at anything! There's nothing I'm good at, this just makes my future even more bleak. I wan't to know that I'll be able to make through my education and have a comfortable life. i don't want to become like my mother. I want to be independent. I just want to know in the end, I'll be fine. At night, I fear. I fear that like my mother, grandmother and great grandmother I'll be second. I'm already seconded, I want to for the first time in my life be someone else's first. I pray, I wish and I hope.

Bestie?

I know Angie and I won't last. I might be labelled mean for saying this. But, I know the truth. When we're together, I'm the listener, she's the talker. I'm not complaining, and I do prefer to listen. but, sometimes I want someone to listen to me. It's always about Angie when we're together, if I want to share she'll cut me off 'I'm not done yet.' and I'll hold on to my thoughts, but there'll never be a chance for me to express me. I'll forget, and most times I'll never tell her. So, at the end of the day I get away from her feeling exhausted. Just tired, for being someone else's listener. I think that's even why we are friends. I listen, I let her take center stage. I never mind being the one in the shadow, I can share her, I never mind. That's maybe why. In the end, I know I'll be too tired and we'll fade off. I don't mind, I'm tired.

Courage

If I wanted your attention, I would say so
if only I had courage, to ask for your hand
to be the one holdin' your hand, but I don't.
So I'll build it up, and let it grow.
Til one day, it's big and strong.
To be with your courageous heart.

Pride

Am I egoistic? I don't know, but I believe the reason to why anyone turns out the way they do is because of what has happened. I don't believe in suddenly's, I know only what happened and what had not happen that makes someone what they are. A lot of things happen in my life, I won't lie what i was forced to may not be as much as many others have gone through. Everyone has something they have to go through, some later in life and me? My fight began the moment I was born, I can't blame anyone but sigh... its life. And I'm fighting it, fighting hard. Maybe that's why when K, asked me why I was egoistic I broke really hard. All my life, even if it has only been fourteen years and isn't much I have been pushing with all my might. I had to be stronger, for a lot of people. I never ever thought for a moment, that by evolving my skin to be like an amour was making me egoistic. For my mother, single mother I tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I already planned when I was 12 once i could get a job I was going to help her. If it wasn't for my bum Dad she would had have a very happy life. For my dreamy sister, I believe my sister was born with every talent in her, she's beautiful and I'm not exaggerating but I know one day her talents will go far. I want to be able to support her. Being born in a situation like hers I don't want her to never have a chance just because there wasn't money for her to. She cried once, I don't want her to ever have to again. For my brother, the youngest though I always say he is very pampered I love him very much. He never knew our bum father, I want him to be as good as all those sons out here that have one. I must. For my friends, I may not be their number one friend to be with because of all the other people I have to be strong for, but I want them to always never hesitate to come to me for a shoulder. I know many of them need someone to be there for them. I just hope I will be good enough. In the end, I have no excuse to why I am egoistic, but that life's reasoning has made me like that.

K, if you are reading this. I don't want you to be because my blog is embarrassingly personal, but if you are. What you said today, to have had been able to make me cry you are one of those few that have been able to. Although in the end I didn't really feel better because I had a lot still on my chest. And, after I left I threw up outside when i tried to get some fresh air but in the long run I know I'll thank you for those words I hate so much right now.
Til then, watch me grow.

blood boiling

I feel so down

Its the ending of the year, i feel a little sick thinking about all those things that have happened to me. I cried a lot, grown a lot and lived a lot. And, next year, it'd be a new year. I hope it'll work.

Christmas wishes this year

1) Not to spend Christmas alone next year.
2) A box of 48 colored pens, 0.38.
3) Break down my walls of hate.
4) Find somebody to love
5) Apologize